Assalamualaikum and hi.
Rindu. Where does it come from? Heart? Or mind? Or from soul? Personally, I think, it comes from the whole body. When I miss someone, I feel it in every inches of my body, the thoughts of that person conquer my whole brain, my whole mind. My soul feels empty. Like I'm living in an isolated desert. When I miss someone, I start to feel lonely although I am surrounded by a bunch of people, who I love too. But without that one particular person, that bunch of people won't be able to chase the loneliness away. I just feel so empty. I may look fine. I may look okay. But deep inside, no one ever knows how tortured I am by the feelings. The feelings of in need of that someone to be close to me. It just so hard to explain rindu. Too deep and complicated.
It is normal to miss parents I mean who doesn't? I miss my Mama every seconds I am far apart from her. I am not that type of daughter who is always clingy to her mom, but for sure, I feel warm when I am close to her. And I feel motivated when I remember her in my hardest times. She has that aura. Every mother has it.
It is normal to miss old friends. The old memories. What hurts me the most is when I am trying to make a conversation with the old friends but they seems to not care. "I miss you" they said. And I hate myself too in this situation. I just don't know how to start a conversation, and when I have started it, I don't know how to keep it going. I thought they'll help to keep it going, I mean, they know that I am not that talkative so ask me some shits so I can talk some shits too. But no. They ended it. Just. Like. That. Not even a goodbye sometimes. *mukasedihmukasedih* Can't help it. My fault, my weakness. It is just me, the boring person. Who wanna talk to a hambar person like me? *slaps own gemuk berlemak cheeks* And of course, they are busy too.
The type of rindu that always torture me the most and make way for my tears to roll out is when I miss someone who is so close to me yet so far away. The person is present but I don't know why somehow, I do miss that particular person. Miss how we used to be, perhaps. I mean, things have changed. I am getting more and more boring. And probably annoying too. I am not an active person. No one could expect anything great, bizarre or outstanding from me. Me being me. Boring. This could be the reason why I have experienced losing closest best friends three times already. All in school. Damn, teenage life is hard. Or it is actually, not that hard. It just me. Me being me. Boring and everyone just want to stay away. We can be close but that's it not as close as how we used to be. If it is not because I am a boring person, it could be because I don't know how to appreciate people. No. I appreciate each and every person in my life. I don't know how to show it. How much I care, how much I love, how much I just want them to stay forever in my life, how much I want to talk to them like on random topics all night long if possible, how much I want to take care of them. I just don't know how to show it. I don't know how to let them know. Me being me. Idiot. That is why people keep leaving me behind. Boring and idiot. Who would want to stay?
People around me have super power. Whenever I am down on my knees, at my worst moments, stressed over something, certain people just need to be around me. I just need to be close the person to feel better. I don't even have to say that I am sad or whatever and spend hours to express it all. When I am at my worst, I just need the person to be close to me. Just stay close, then I will be okay again. Sometimes, it takes days and sometimes it only takes the minutes we spend when we sit together and just eat and talk randomly. A walk helps too. I don't know how it happened and why but it just works that way. To chase my negative thoughts and sorrow, I just need the person to be close to me. Just be close to me. That is enough.
And once the person has left, the best I can do is cry over my own weaknesses and start feeling the "rindu". How I wish we got something invented to measure how much we need certain people in our life because we just love them so much and don't want a day passes by without hearing that people's names, voices and feel the warmth in their presence. I think none would have left me behind. Well, at least they know that I need them. They'll stay, perhaps. Perhaps.
However, in the end of the day, no matter how much the person knows I love and care, I am always people's second thought or sometimes last thing that ever crossed to their minds. No matter in what situations. I am never a priority. Well, not the first. I tried my best to love people and put them first, and I am happy doing that. I may stumble sometimes and forget but my love won't fade. Trust me. Once I love someone and I said it, I really mean it. Actions speak louder than words. Don't apply this on me. My words are everything. I don't know how to express myself through speech or actions. But I really do mean what I write or type.
Well well well. Lose or get, forgotten or remembered, first or last, when I do something out of love, i don't count the cost or hoping for a reward or to be treated the same way. Everyone should be. Because we just love. But I still need to know if I am important to someone.
Rindu comes when you start loving.
P/s: Person/people I meant are all girls. No homo. And please do not think I've fallen in love or what, I just has started to miss people.
