Ceritera Syawalynn Zain

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Yeah. Sakit 2.0. In previous post, I have talked about the history of the pain I'm having, the back pain. Guess what? The pain is getting worse I guess. Now, I can feel that my lower back is burning. Like it was on fire but of course it is not. I have never experienced this before. I don't know if it's getting worse or actually getting better. But I think it's not a sign that I'm getting better. Well, obviously because the pain is still there.

I have about 2 months of my semester break. Yesterday, the serious killing pain has came back, paying a visit. Datang beraya perhaps. I am so grateful that I was at home yesterday but my aunts were here. Yeah it's no different if I am in pain or not, I still don't talk to them when they're around. Nothing to talk about anyway. I told my family about the burning. My sister looked worried. She insisted my brother to send me to the clinic after the raya stuff settle. I mean you know post-raya thingy, mengemas rumah, pergi beraya, org still datang beraya. We don't have much time to go to clinic yet. Then the thing of my back pain gone viral among my family. They suggest a  lot of people, the experts, traditional experts, doctors etc etc. We plan to go to them one by one. Everyone in the list. Seriously this pain is something else. Now that it has become chronic, everyone is worried and start to pay attention. If they listened to me when I was young, when the pain  was not this serious, they won't to be in trouble now looking for experts all over Kelantan. I feel quite useless now as people won't allow me to do any lifting jobs, the only thing I can do to kemas rumah. You know thing like rearranging the sofa, tables, the carpets. Even vacuuming could be harmful-I can't stand for a long period. But I can try to. Try to lose weight but any activity involving losing weight is not good for me. Gotta control my eating portion I guess. And gotta be strong too. I realize this is nothing compared to other kind of pain or illness faced by others but it's so disturbing and uncomfortable and I feel weak. I'm telling this to people just to let people know what I feel. Plus, it is the only thing I can talk about, I mean the only thing I have points to elaborate to people. I am such a boring person, you know.

Another pain I am feeling right now is the pain of losing people. Losing myself. I got no confidence in myself anymore. Not after I feel like I am left out and don't belong where I was standing. I am lost. Almost drowned in my own  tears. I seriously cried my heart out for a few days before the final exam. I know what is wrong but I don't know how to fix the situation. I tried to understand but I can't. I tried expressing myself but it doesn't work. Maybe, I was expecting too much until I cannot accept what is happening to myself. It is happening. Well, at least I've tried to fix it. Although I don't give it all, yet. But I can sense it is going to be worse, anyway. I give up. I am going to let things to just happen. I made an effort to be close again, made an effort to talk again, still, it does not change. One thing I  did not do is to talk directly but I am afraid. I'm afraid it's only gonna  make it worse. So, let me be in silent and move on. Alone. I can't expect anything anymore and I am not able to make any effort anymore. Let it happen. Let it be. I'm just gonna let it go. It will hurt for sure. But for the sake of ..... I'm just gonna stay quiet and act okay. It's gonna be hard, I know. But I will have to endure it no  matter what. No one wants me. I have to accept that. Bear that in mind. And don't expect anything from anyone. Keep hurting and move on. That's it. I'm tired and an idiot.