Assalamualaikum and hi.

Yeah. Sakit 2.0. In previous post, I have talked about the history of the pain I'm having, the back pain. Guess what? The pain is getting worse I guess. Now, I can feel that my lower back is burning. Like it was on fire but of course it is not. I have never experienced this before. I don't know if it's getting worse or actually getting better. But I think it's not a sign that I'm getting better. Well, obviously because the pain is still there.

I have about 2 months of my semester break. Yesterday, the serious killing pain has came back, paying a visit. Datang beraya perhaps. I am so grateful that I was at home yesterday but my aunts were here. Yeah it's no different if I am in pain or not, I still don't talk to them when they're around. Nothing to talk about anyway. I told my family about the burning. My sister looked worried. She insisted my brother to send me to the clinic after the raya stuff settle. I mean you know post-raya thingy, mengemas rumah, pergi beraya, org still datang beraya. We don't have much time to go to clinic yet. Then the thing of my back pain gone viral among my family. They suggest a  lot of people, the experts, traditional experts, doctors etc etc. We plan to go to them one by one. Everyone in the list. Seriously this pain is something else. Now that it has become chronic, everyone is worried and start to pay attention. If they listened to me when I was young, when the pain  was not this serious, they won't to be in trouble now looking for experts all over Kelantan. I feel quite useless now as people won't allow me to do any lifting jobs, the only thing I can do to kemas rumah. You know thing like rearranging the sofa, tables, the carpets. Even vacuuming could be harmful-I can't stand for a long period. But I can try to. Try to lose weight but any activity involving losing weight is not good for me. Gotta control my eating portion I guess. And gotta be strong too. I realize this is nothing compared to other kind of pain or illness faced by others but it's so disturbing and uncomfortable and I feel weak. I'm telling this to people just to let people know what I feel. Plus, it is the only thing I can talk about, I mean the only thing I have points to elaborate to people. I am such a boring person, you know.

Another pain I am feeling right now is the pain of losing people. Losing myself. I got no confidence in myself anymore. Not after I feel like I am left out and don't belong where I was standing. I am lost. Almost drowned in my own  tears. I seriously cried my heart out for a few days before the final exam. I know what is wrong but I don't know how to fix the situation. I tried to understand but I can't. I tried expressing myself but it doesn't work. Maybe, I was expecting too much until I cannot accept what is happening to myself. It is happening. Well, at least I've tried to fix it. Although I don't give it all, yet. But I can sense it is going to be worse, anyway. I give up. I am going to let things to just happen. I made an effort to be close again, made an effort to talk again, still, it does not change. One thing I  did not do is to talk directly but I am afraid. I'm afraid it's only gonna  make it worse. So, let me be in silent and move on. Alone. I can't expect anything anymore and I am not able to make any effort anymore. Let it happen. Let it be. I'm just gonna let it go. It will hurt for sure. But for the sake of ..... I'm just gonna stay quiet and act okay. It's gonna be hard, I know. But I will have to endure it no  matter what. No one wants me. I have to accept that. Bear that in mind. And don't expect anything from anyone. Keep hurting and move on. That's it. I'm tired and an idiot.








Assalamualaikum and hi.

Rindu. Where does it come from? Heart? Or mind? Or from soul? Personally, I think, it comes from the whole body. When  I miss someone, I feel it in every inches of my body, the thoughts of that person conquer my whole brain, my whole mind. My soul feels empty. Like I'm living in an isolated desert. When I miss someone, I start to feel lonely although I am surrounded by a bunch of people, who I love too. But without that one particular person, that bunch of people won't be able to chase the loneliness away. I just feel so empty. I may look fine. I may look okay. But deep inside, no one ever knows how tortured I am by the feelings. The feelings of in need of that someone to be close to me. It just so hard to explain rindu. Too deep and complicated.

It is normal to miss parents I mean who doesn't? I miss my Mama every seconds I am far apart from her. I am not that type of daughter who is always clingy to her mom, but for sure, I feel warm when I am close to her. And I feel motivated when I remember her in my hardest times. She has that aura. Every mother has it.

It is normal to miss old friends. The old memories. What hurts me the most is when I am trying to make a conversation with the old friends but they seems  to not care. "I miss you" they said. And I hate myself too in this situation. I just don't know how to start a conversation, and when I have started it, I  don't know how to keep it going. I thought they'll help to keep it going, I mean, they know that I am not that talkative so ask me some shits so I can talk some shits too. But no. They ended it. Just. Like. That. Not even a goodbye sometimes. *mukasedihmukasedih* Can't help it. My fault, my weakness. It is just me, the boring person. Who wanna talk to a hambar person like me? *slaps own gemuk berlemak cheeks*  And of course, they are busy too.

The type of rindu that always torture me the most and make way for my tears to roll out is when I miss someone who is so close to me yet so far away. The person is present but I don't know why somehow, I do miss that particular person. Miss how we used to be, perhaps. I mean, things have changed. I am getting more and more boring. And probably annoying too. I am not an active person. No one could expect anything great, bizarre or outstanding from me. Me being me. Boring. This could be the reason why I have experienced losing closest best friends three times already. All in school. Damn, teenage life is hard. Or it is actually, not that hard. It just me. Me being me. Boring and everyone just want to stay away. We can be close but that's it not as close as how we used to be. If it is not because I am a boring person, it could be because I don't know how to appreciate people. No. I appreciate each and every person in my life. I don't know how to show it. How much I care, how much I love, how much I just want them to stay forever in my life, how much I want to talk to them like on random topics all night long if possible, how much I want to take care of them. I just don't know how to show it. I don't know how to let them know. Me being me. Idiot. That is why people keep leaving me behind. Boring and idiot. Who would want to stay?

People around me have super power. Whenever I am down on my knees, at my worst moments, stressed over something, certain people just need to be around me. I just need to be close the person to feel better. I don't even have to say that I am sad or whatever and spend hours to express it all. When I am at my worst, I just need the person to be close to me. Just stay close, then I will be okay again. Sometimes, it takes days and sometimes it only takes the minutes we spend when we sit together and just eat and talk randomly. A walk helps too. I don't know how it happened and why but it just works that way. To chase my negative thoughts and sorrow, I just need the person to be close to me. Just be close to me. That is enough.

And once the person has left, the best I can do is cry over my own weaknesses and start feeling the "rindu". How I wish we got something invented to measure how much we need certain people in our life because we just love them so much and don't want a day passes by without hearing that people's names, voices and feel the warmth in their presence. I think none would have left me behind. Well, at least they know that I need them. They'll stay, perhaps. Perhaps.

However, in the end of the day, no matter how much the person knows I love and care, I am always people's second thought or sometimes last thing that ever crossed to their minds. No matter in what situations. I am never a priority. Well, not the first. I tried my best to love people and put them first, and I am happy doing that. I may stumble sometimes and forget but my love won't fade. Trust me. Once I love someone and I said it, I really mean it. Actions speak louder than words. Don't apply this on me. My words are everything. I don't know how to express myself through speech or actions. But I really do mean what I write or type.

Well well well. Lose or get, forgotten or remembered, first or last, when I do something out of love, i don't count the cost or hoping for a reward or to be treated the same way. Everyone should be. Because we just love. But I still need to know if I am important to someone.

Rindu comes when you start loving.

P/s: Person/people I meant are all girls. No homo. And please do not think I've fallen in love or what, I just has started to miss people.
Assalamualaikum and good _______ (fill this in based on what time you're reading this)

So, today is quite a busy day, I guess. I went to the clinic with my sisters of course, to check about my back pain. This pain I got from many years ago when I was 9 or 10. I fell down on cement floor right on my lower back. As far as I remember, I was running in the class. Silly me. Just why on earth on that day I chose to run? I was a very passive kid. Well, I am a very passive person. A passive person got pain because she was running and fell down? Hah. Does not make sense at all. I don't run. I barely walking when I am walking. But yeah. Things happened. Shitty things happened.

After the incident (wow this sounds serious), my family was quite panic. No, wait. I don't remember the part they went panic. Well, let's just assume they did got panic. So, the adults (my parents and grown up sisters) brought me to a masseur. A male. A pak cik lah. He massaged me. that's all I can recall. I remember me  trying to hold myself from screaming because it hurt as ffffffff. I thought it would be very rude to scream over that pain. Scream does not heal, anyway.

"Sakit oyak deh? Jange senyap."

That was what the pakcik told me. I did not tell him it was so very uncomfortable and it hurt so much when he started do the massage. Why? Told ya. I am very passive that I did not even dare to talk. Not to strangers.

And the pain continues to haunt me until now. I've gone to meet a lot of pakciks and makciks to massage my back, taken some traditional pills, change my sleeping position, try to be athletic etc etc but it was alllll in vain. Nothing changed. I give up. That's it. Probably there's no cure to this. Just endure it. I told to myself.

Well, just so you know that I live in a village area where we are more encouraged to treat any body ache traditionally. Everything did not work on my back pain and no one seems to be caring enough to bring me to doctor or something. And seems everyone did not pay much attention to my back pain except me, I keep all the pain and ache and suffer ( no, not really suffering but yeah the ache is severe) to myself.

Whenever I feel I cannot hold the pain, I complained to my Mama, the only person that will take actions when I complained on something bad (such as the pain). And yeah the same thing, same process happened again. Massage, feel better for days, the ache come visits me again and it's like "Hi, remember me? I'm here again." We were just like best friends. Childhood friend. Hah! Not funny la.

So, I continue on living my life, with the ache always on my back. You know like "Hey, I always get your back". Haha. (I know it's not funny I'm just appreciating my own puns.). I enrolled for matriculation and since I stayed faaaar away from my family and there is no one that could take care of me as how my Mama always does, I know I need something for this back pain. And tadaaaa my sister comes to action. She introduced me to Salonpas, you know the patch for muscle or joint pain. It...is.... quite.... helpful... no seriously it is. Yeah. A little bit. I've been surviving with those patches on my back when I feel like dying.

All in all, nothing really help for this backpain. There is one last thing I have not done yet. And I did it today. Get a professional advice, or consult a doctor. Yeayy finally someone who care about me and they showed it. Sisters, guys. We went to the clinic and doctor was also surprised to know I've been having this back pain for many years and she was  as she asked "why all of a sudden after so many years only today you come and see me?" Without a smile. And in a you know, unpleasant tone. So I told her the pain is like getting more serious and I don't want to die young. (this is monologue). No I did not tell her anything. I did not even respond. My sister answered all the questions. Being passive, again.

X ray result told us that the actual problem was not the nerves (which we all assumed it was nerves problems) nor did my back bone crack or something. It is fine except the shape. Normal back bone supposed to have curve but mine, it is straight. So tegak like 180 degree. That causes the pain. The fucking ache. Nothing could help. The doctor did not even prescribed me with any medicines. She only told me I have to undergo physical therapy, to get the curve shape for my back bone.

And so, that's it. Now, I only have to endure the ache until my spine get its original shape. It won't take long, hopefully. Not that I am worried about the pain, but the cost and time and people I have to trouble. The cost is I'm not so sure. It is not stated anywhere on the KKM web. Sigh. And gov based clinics are only opened on weekdays, the days I got classes. And my sister who is staying in Shah Alam is the only person I can rely on if, just in case, I may not be able to go to the clinic by my own. I got friends and I may seek for their help but thinking of all the assignments and tasks they (and me too) have to complete and submit, plus, it's another half of the semester already (finals approaching), I am no important. It's better (actually best) for them to spend their time thinking, trying to complete the assignments and study or revise anything than helping me ( the one useless friend ). Well, I really don't want to trouble anyone except myself. but yeah being a loser living on earth, I just happened to need help.

So, for now, physiotherapy is the only answer. Allah, please ease everything for me.
29.2.2016

Tarikh empat tahun sekali ni la dapat spend quality time with awesome people. Hari ni jugak lah dapat merasa Starbucks untuk pertama kalinya. Sedap. Agaklah. Tapi Nescafe jugak yang thorbaik. And of course lagi murah dan senang dapat. Lulz. 


So kisah dia, we ( the people in the picture) went to Rawang today. The thing is to look for shoes but of course hello dah keluar takkan nak beli kasut je. Damn we did kind of lot of things. Eat(wajib!), shoes, Starbucks, karaoke, movie, and eat again. It's a good wrap for February. Walaupun aku lupa ada meeting but that's not a big matter. Rasa bersalah ya tapi bila difikirkan balik, jalan-jalan ni yang akan buat aku senyum esok lusa mungkin juga beberapa tahun akan datang (kalau aku takde penyakit nyanyuk)

Filem Munafik tu best gila kalau tengok tak menyesal. Banyak moral yang mengingatkan pasal keredhaan, yakin dengan Allah and jangan takut dgn SYAITON! Diorang mampu hasut and kita mampu lawan. Allah dah buat adil untuk kita. Bergantung pada diri la nak lawan atau nak ikut. The most significant moral I got is NEVER QUESTION WHAT ALLAH HAS DECIDE AS HE KNOWS BEST. Selama ni aku asyik nak mempersoalkan kenapa manusia mesti mati, kenapa syurga neraka perlu ada and all those nonsense questions yg dah macam orang tak belajar agama. Filem tu ada sedikit sebanyak menjawab persoalan aku. And selebihnya yg aku rasa tak puas hati lagi? AL-QURAN. The main reference. Jawapan ada dlm tu aku yg malas nak tadabbur. Tadarus hari-hari tapi makna, tafsir tak nak baca. Pastu mula lah persoalkan macam-macam. Jahilnya aku. 

Betul la petunjuk Allah tu boleh datang dengan macam-macam cara. Even through a movie. Thank you God. You answered me. You always do. 

Ok itu pasal movie. Dah. 

Next, main point aku nak cerita, aku seronok hari ni. Penat memang lah penat. Tapi seronok. Hidup hampir complete. Keluar dgn kawan-kawan gila tak seronok. 

There is no time wasted if you really enjoy that moment. Time not spent together is time wasted. Cherish every moment. ❤️

Rasa tak sedap hati, the feel I get everytime anything bad is going to happen-spoil mood aku. 

Mungkin setan semua ni. 

Tak kesah la yang penting, seronok. 



Assalamualaikum and hi everyone who's still into blogging in this era.

Nothing much to say tonight. Just 'doodling' words to chase my boredom. Well, I was actually asleep as I rested my head on the table. But then I woke up to make myself more comfortable to sleep, on the bed. Only to find out that I am so wide awake. 

Typical student aye? Damn sleepy at the study table but damn awake on the bed. 

So since I've done the Reading Skills homeworks, which will be discussed tomorrow, I literally have nothing to do tonight. Well, assignments await but please not tonight. 

So I grabbed the new novel that I bought. The very first novel that I bought by myself using my own money ( I mean the WPP money ). Why do I buy the novel? Big question here as I have never interested in reading especially novs, specifically love themed novels. The reason I bought it is because I want to nurture myself with reading. Reading is very important especially for someone like me. A language learner which is being expected to be a language teacher in future and a person who loves to write a lot. A beginner author maybe. And the novel I mentioned earlier is from Cecelia Ahern entitled The Year I Met You. Seems interesting for the first five chapters I've read. A good start to be a good reader I guess. 

So I have been thinking that to have reading interest is very important, essential to person like me. Why do I think this way although my so called favourite author is not a reading person? Because I don't have a creative and "think out if a box" brain. So I need to find ideas and be inspired by well known authors and good books with interesting story lines. Yes I really need it. 

I am a very beginner in reading. I am so not into books or novels. Comics too are not my interest anymore. I am working to make myself love reading. Or should I say, forcing myself to read. 

Another reason that I want to be a reader is how do I expect people to read from me if I din't read from others, from them? And also, I need to know readers' emotions and thoughts when they read. The only way to know is by putting myself in their place. To read. So that I'll know what kind of plot, stories or words used to attract them, to turn them off, to make them feel like finishing the story or to make them feel like " what the hell is this author bullshitting? ". Right. 

So I have to plant in myself the attitude of liking to read and be a reading enthusiast. To be a good writer and of course to enhance my English. 

Oh and one more thing. About reading. My lecturer had told me a story. She saw a person aged about 19 years old (which is same with my age), I can't remember whether it's a boy or a girl, at a railway station if I'm not mistaken, holding a Quran and a highlighter probably. Reading the Quran and highlighting the words in that Quran. My lecturer asked the teen " What are you doing? ". And the person answered, " Reading(or tadabbur) the Quran ". And I don't remember much the lecturer's words after that, I guess my lecturer asked why is the teen so interested in reading or maybe something related like that. And the teen's answer is very interesting abd has opened my eyes wide, " I read to reduce my laziness, whenever I read, I do something and I am not lazy and can use my time to the max on things that benefits me" 

TO REDUCE LAZINESS, guys. I have been searching for something to cure my laziness and now I guess I've found one of the solutions. So that is why, I want to nurture myself to be a reader. I have to be. 

That's all for now. See ya guys later! Peace yo! 

And here's my very first novel:



Assalamualaikum and hello people!

So 4 days had just passed. Means that I've been UPSI for 4 days and a half now. Well literally 5 days. Quite fast the time is flying away. So this time I want to tell you guys about orientation week in UPSI that I've had experienced for the past 4 and a half day. 

First, the registration. It went quite well unless that we have to sit and wait for our turn to give them our biodata, medical check up forms, take our room's key and photography session. The flow is quite slow compared to matriculation's registration last year. But yeahh it went all well. 

After all those things settled, I got my keys so my sisters and I went ip way hiiiiiigh to my room. God it's on third floor!! The block is the most faaaaar from cafe and I live in the third floor. Well I guess this is the signal or a chance for me to lose some weight. Hahahha. So I was the first one to enter the house. It's not that big but complete with 3 rooms and 2 bathrooms, place to hang your laundry, a sink. Each room contained 2 beds and 2 lockers or cupboards which means two people for each room. Aaaand my roommate is 20 years old, from Sabah and we're from the same faculty, language and communication. But she took the course of Arabic Language and me, TESL. And there're another 3 housemates in the same course as hers. Another housemate is in Science field. ( the moment I'm writing this my roommate got in. Panjang umurnya. Hahahaha ) 

So yeahhh majority of us which are four people are in Arabic Language course. I am so blessed. I've always want to learn Arab since after PMR and now 4 gonna-be-arab-teachers are my housemates. If I got the chance and time I'll be learning from them maybe. Hehe. 

So minggu orientasi as usual, the most tiring period. But this suai kenal period is better than matric's. No shouting facilitators. They were all so kind and helpful. For the whole five days we have to ride the bus from our hostel to dewan besar. If lucky and early, you'll get a seat in the bus or not you have to stand. And this is my very first experience standing in the bus! The most frightening was I had to stand on the stairs and the door was opened. It was just for 20seconds or so but seriously I freaked out. 

For muslims, there is no solat berjemaah except for solat jumaat. So you have to pray on your own at the surau near the dewan besar. Crowded I tell you it is very crowded. But if kita ikhlas, Allah will ease everything. 

The week was filled with talks, speech and my favourite is, majlis ikrar! Through that ceremony, we were confirmed as students of UPSI or anak kandung suluh budiman. We recited the ikrar and yeahhhh we're officially anak kandung suluh budiman!! I still don't understand what does that mean but so what, it sounds good. 

New students don't have to worry about facis or seniors. They are all so caring, responsible, sporting, kind hearted and they handled us very well with full of manners and maturely. I've learned a lot of energizers and totally will never forget. 

So, all in all, my minggu orientasi in UPSI went well. No troubles at all. But of course tired as hell and sleepy all the time during the talks. 

That's all. UPSI is one of the top universities in Malaysia where they produce the educators for the next generation that will lead our country. I am proud to be chosen to be here. And yes since I got the course that I want, I'm not gonna waste this chance. I'll do my best to be the best student and the best teacher in future. And show to Malaysians that English is fun!!

So see ya guys again around!

Ps: my class will start tomorrow and I still dont know how to ride the bus. Hahaha
Pss: people here call me SYAWAL instead of WALYNN. Awkward at first but it sounds better and yeah I like it. Hahaha. My sis punya pasal la suruh depa pggl Syawal. Hahaha
Assalamualaikum dan salamsejahtera. Salam 1 Malaysia dan salam 1 Blogger. =)

Hari ini SZ x nak ckp byk sgt . Just nak cerita sikit pasal persekolahan SZ. Tahun 2011 mmg sgt sgt bermakna buat SZ. SZ ambil peperiksaan PMR pd tahun lepas. Pd tahun 2010 iaitu pd tahun SZ di Form 2 , SZ bertekad bila naik ke Form 3 akan belajar bersngguh-sungguh sbb nak PMR. Tapi , azam itu x berapa trcapai bila SZ masih lg min-main. Kurang membaca . Kalau nak tgk buku pun , masa buat homework je. Tapi Alhamdulillah , SZ mempunyai guru-guru yg tegar dan rajin dan sgt sgt prihatin terhadap pelajar pelajar mereka. Jadi , kelas SZ bermula pd pukul 7.30 mcm biasa dan kelas tambahan pd setiap hari sehingga pukul 5 ptg. Jadi , hari-hari , SZ balik rumah jam 5 petang. Study non-stop kat sekolah. Bila balik mmg letih. X cukup dgn kelas sebelah petang, cikgu-cikgu sambung lg pd hujung minggu. Dan kalau cikgu bg homework byk setimbun , mmg stress sgt2. Tapi , SZ suka. Lebih baik cikgu-cikgu buat mcm tu , drp biar kitorg menghadap Muka Buku lebih drp mengadap buku. SZ tahu , kalau cikgu x buat macam tu , mmg x study larh sebelah petang. Hujung munggu mmg enjoy la lebih.

Setelah hampir tujuh bulan belajar , akhirnya , PMR kunjung tiba. Hati berdebar-debar mcm nk tersembul keluar drp tubuh tiap hari peperiksaan. Dan bila dah tamat exam , mmg Form 3 enjoy sgt2. Ada yg dtg sekolah , ada yg pergi lawatan , ada yg lepak lepak je kt rumah. Mmg happy sgt. Kemudian , kebahagiaan SZ meraikan kemerdekaan , hilang bila tiba hari keputusan PMR diumumkan. Malam sebelum terima result mmg x boleh tidur. Jantung berdegup bukan main. X pernah rasa mcm ni sebelum ni. Dan SZ mmg xkan lupakan perasaan tu. Pd 22/12/2011 , SZ dpt result PMR. Mula-mula , sebelum ambil result , cikgu umumkan pelajar-pelajar terbaeekkkk dan cikgu dah ckp yg dapat 9A hanya 2 org saja. Dlm ramai ramai yg ambil 9 subjek , hanya 2 nama yg akan diumumkan mendapat 9A. SZ ambil 9 subjek. Cikgu mengumumkan nama pertama adalah NUR ATIKAH NABILA BINTI MOHD AZLI. Whoa!! Berdebar bukan main. Bukan nama SZ yg cikgu sebut. Hanya sorg je tggl . Dan nama seterusnya ialah NUR SYAWALYNN ZAIN.  WOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!! Happy bukan main lagi SZ. Hahahahahahahaha!! Alhamdulillah pnjang dlm hati~~ Akhirnya tercapai jgk azam SZ nak dpt 9A dlm PMR.

9A ni pun bkan milik SZ sorg , tp milik parents , cikgu-cikgu dan kawan-kawan SZ yg byk tolong SZ dptkan 9A. Alhamdulillah. SZ ucap berbanyak TERIMA KASIH kpd  semua~ Sayang semua~~ <3 <3 <3

Sekarang , target seterusnya adalah SPM. SZ akan berusaha bersungguh-sungguh dan jauhkan segala perkaranegatif yg  boleh menghalang kejayaan SZ dlm SPM nnti. InsyaAllah. Ya Allah, Kau bantulah aku~. Amiin~

Setakat itu sahaja lah update SZ utk post kali ini. Dan SZ nak war-warkan dkt sini , SZ dan kawan SZ ada buat page kt FB nama dia ~Semua Dalam Satu~  . Klik sini utk LIKE. Sy harap ramai lah yg LIKE. Bukan sekadar page tau , kitaorg ada info , fakta , quotes dan byk lg. X caya , tgklah dulu page tu .. And 300 org terawal akan di add oleh SZ sbg friends. Tanda terima kasih kpd 300 likers terawal. setakat ni baru ebih kurang 10 org SZ add. Yg lain-lain tu mmg dah friend. So , ada 290 tempat lg. Sekian , Wassalam & TanQ~


-SZ-