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Sounds of engine from the vehicles on the road, neon lights shimmering from signboards, dim lights from the street lights, soft and cold breeze blowing, stars shining, clouds covering the crescent moon, people going here and there.

That are what I see from here, from the rooftop. Watching the scenes down there trigger my curiosity. I can’t stop myself from thinking where are those vehicles heading to, do the shops with the neon lights have many customers today, how are their business doing, and when will the authority care and come to fix the broken lights at the quiet roads behind these tall buildings.

Watching those scenes makes me feel sick. I feel disturbed sometimes and I wish I could fix the broken things I see almost every second of my life. Not only the lights that don’t illuminate anymore, but also the humans. I wish I could fix the people. I wish I could stop people from throwing rubbish out from their expensive cars. It is weird that they afford a car but not a simple knowledge and common sense. 

I wish I could say a word to the teenager who is shouting at her parents but able to talk super softly to the boy she thought could give her more than happiness. It is okay to spend some time with your friends at your youth but it is not okay to shout at the old couple who raised and feed you for so many years.

I wish I could turn the parents’ head to their children who are walking and running here and there without any guard. Who are they going to blame if any bad thing happened to the children? Sometimes, I think that the family with the small kids are the past of the family with the teenage girl. Who knows who is at fault in this matter?

I wish I could provide a better life for the beggars, young and old, handicapped people asking for alms. I wish I could provide a better life for the senior citizens who are carrying heavy loads on their back to feed their family at home. God knows how much they have gone through.
I wish I could see a better scene than what I am seeing. I wish I could see smiles pasted on everyone’s faces. 

I hold my head up and look at the sky above my head. I see the cloud, the stars, the moon and everything else on Earth. They were created by one and only God, the most powerful. Then, I realised I am no one. I am, too, only a human. I am not able to fix everything that hurts me. It is beyond my capability, transcends my mind. I am also trying to fix myself and better my flaws although I know I cannot live without them. I am a human, imperfect in any way. But I know I can be better, better than anything I saw below me.

If I want people to be good, I must be good too. To make other people to be better is beyond me. But I can try. I can try to portray how good deeds can bring us closer and make the world we’re living a better place.

But again, I am only human, imperfect in any way.
Assalamualaikum and hi.

Yeah. Sakit 2.0. In previous post, I have talked about the history of the pain I'm having, the back pain. Guess what? The pain is getting worse I guess. Now, I can feel that my lower back is burning. Like it was on fire but of course it is not. I have never experienced this before. I don't know if it's getting worse or actually getting better. But I think it's not a sign that I'm getting better. Well, obviously because the pain is still there.

I have about 2 months of my semester break. Yesterday, the serious killing pain has came back, paying a visit. Datang beraya perhaps. I am so grateful that I was at home yesterday but my aunts were here. Yeah it's no different if I am in pain or not, I still don't talk to them when they're around. Nothing to talk about anyway. I told my family about the burning. My sister looked worried. She insisted my brother to send me to the clinic after the raya stuff settle. I mean you know post-raya thingy, mengemas rumah, pergi beraya, org still datang beraya. We don't have much time to go to clinic yet. Then the thing of my back pain gone viral among my family. They suggest a  lot of people, the experts, traditional experts, doctors etc etc. We plan to go to them one by one. Everyone in the list. Seriously this pain is something else. Now that it has become chronic, everyone is worried and start to pay attention. If they listened to me when I was young, when the pain  was not this serious, they won't to be in trouble now looking for experts all over Kelantan. I feel quite useless now as people won't allow me to do any lifting jobs, the only thing I can do to kemas rumah. You know thing like rearranging the sofa, tables, the carpets. Even vacuuming could be harmful-I can't stand for a long period. But I can try to. Try to lose weight but any activity involving losing weight is not good for me. Gotta control my eating portion I guess. And gotta be strong too. I realize this is nothing compared to other kind of pain or illness faced by others but it's so disturbing and uncomfortable and I feel weak. I'm telling this to people just to let people know what I feel. Plus, it is the only thing I can talk about, I mean the only thing I have points to elaborate to people. I am such a boring person, you know.

Another pain I am feeling right now is the pain of losing people. Losing myself. I got no confidence in myself anymore. Not after I feel like I am left out and don't belong where I was standing. I am lost. Almost drowned in my own  tears. I seriously cried my heart out for a few days before the final exam. I know what is wrong but I don't know how to fix the situation. I tried to understand but I can't. I tried expressing myself but it doesn't work. Maybe, I was expecting too much until I cannot accept what is happening to myself. It is happening. Well, at least I've tried to fix it. Although I don't give it all, yet. But I can sense it is going to be worse, anyway. I give up. I am going to let things to just happen. I made an effort to be close again, made an effort to talk again, still, it does not change. One thing I  did not do is to talk directly but I am afraid. I'm afraid it's only gonna  make it worse. So, let me be in silent and move on. Alone. I can't expect anything anymore and I am not able to make any effort anymore. Let it happen. Let it be. I'm just gonna let it go. It will hurt for sure. But for the sake of ..... I'm just gonna stay quiet and act okay. It's gonna be hard, I know. But I will have to endure it no  matter what. No one wants me. I have to accept that. Bear that in mind. And don't expect anything from anyone. Keep hurting and move on. That's it. I'm tired and an idiot.








Assalamualaikum and hi.

Rindu. Where does it come from? Heart? Or mind? Or from soul? Personally, I think, it comes from the whole body. When  I miss someone, I feel it in every inches of my body, the thoughts of that person conquer my whole brain, my whole mind. My soul feels empty. Like I'm living in an isolated desert. When I miss someone, I start to feel lonely although I am surrounded by a bunch of people, who I love too. But without that one particular person, that bunch of people won't be able to chase the loneliness away. I just feel so empty. I may look fine. I may look okay. But deep inside, no one ever knows how tortured I am by the feelings. The feelings of in need of that someone to be close to me. It just so hard to explain rindu. Too deep and complicated.

It is normal to miss parents I mean who doesn't? I miss my Mama every seconds I am far apart from her. I am not that type of daughter who is always clingy to her mom, but for sure, I feel warm when I am close to her. And I feel motivated when I remember her in my hardest times. She has that aura. Every mother has it.

It is normal to miss old friends. The old memories. What hurts me the most is when I am trying to make a conversation with the old friends but they seems  to not care. "I miss you" they said. And I hate myself too in this situation. I just don't know how to start a conversation, and when I have started it, I  don't know how to keep it going. I thought they'll help to keep it going, I mean, they know that I am not that talkative so ask me some shits so I can talk some shits too. But no. They ended it. Just. Like. That. Not even a goodbye sometimes. *mukasedihmukasedih* Can't help it. My fault, my weakness. It is just me, the boring person. Who wanna talk to a hambar person like me? *slaps own gemuk berlemak cheeks*  And of course, they are busy too.

The type of rindu that always torture me the most and make way for my tears to roll out is when I miss someone who is so close to me yet so far away. The person is present but I don't know why somehow, I do miss that particular person. Miss how we used to be, perhaps. I mean, things have changed. I am getting more and more boring. And probably annoying too. I am not an active person. No one could expect anything great, bizarre or outstanding from me. Me being me. Boring. This could be the reason why I have experienced losing closest best friends three times already. All in school. Damn, teenage life is hard. Or it is actually, not that hard. It just me. Me being me. Boring and everyone just want to stay away. We can be close but that's it not as close as how we used to be. If it is not because I am a boring person, it could be because I don't know how to appreciate people. No. I appreciate each and every person in my life. I don't know how to show it. How much I care, how much I love, how much I just want them to stay forever in my life, how much I want to talk to them like on random topics all night long if possible, how much I want to take care of them. I just don't know how to show it. I don't know how to let them know. Me being me. Idiot. That is why people keep leaving me behind. Boring and idiot. Who would want to stay?

People around me have super power. Whenever I am down on my knees, at my worst moments, stressed over something, certain people just need to be around me. I just need to be close the person to feel better. I don't even have to say that I am sad or whatever and spend hours to express it all. When I am at my worst, I just need the person to be close to me. Just stay close, then I will be okay again. Sometimes, it takes days and sometimes it only takes the minutes we spend when we sit together and just eat and talk randomly. A walk helps too. I don't know how it happened and why but it just works that way. To chase my negative thoughts and sorrow, I just need the person to be close to me. Just be close to me. That is enough.

And once the person has left, the best I can do is cry over my own weaknesses and start feeling the "rindu". How I wish we got something invented to measure how much we need certain people in our life because we just love them so much and don't want a day passes by without hearing that people's names, voices and feel the warmth in their presence. I think none would have left me behind. Well, at least they know that I need them. They'll stay, perhaps. Perhaps.

However, in the end of the day, no matter how much the person knows I love and care, I am always people's second thought or sometimes last thing that ever crossed to their minds. No matter in what situations. I am never a priority. Well, not the first. I tried my best to love people and put them first, and I am happy doing that. I may stumble sometimes and forget but my love won't fade. Trust me. Once I love someone and I said it, I really mean it. Actions speak louder than words. Don't apply this on me. My words are everything. I don't know how to express myself through speech or actions. But I really do mean what I write or type.

Well well well. Lose or get, forgotten or remembered, first or last, when I do something out of love, i don't count the cost or hoping for a reward or to be treated the same way. Everyone should be. Because we just love. But I still need to know if I am important to someone.

Rindu comes when you start loving.

P/s: Person/people I meant are all girls. No homo. And please do not think I've fallen in love or what, I just has started to miss people.
Assalamualaikum and hi everyone who's still into blogging in this era.

Nothing much to say tonight. Just 'doodling' words to chase my boredom. Well, I was actually asleep as I rested my head on the table. But then I woke up to make myself more comfortable to sleep, on the bed. Only to find out that I am so wide awake. 

Typical student aye? Damn sleepy at the study table but damn awake on the bed. 

So since I've done the Reading Skills homeworks, which will be discussed tomorrow, I literally have nothing to do tonight. Well, assignments await but please not tonight. 

So I grabbed the new novel that I bought. The very first novel that I bought by myself using my own money ( I mean the WPP money ). Why do I buy the novel? Big question here as I have never interested in reading especially novs, specifically love themed novels. The reason I bought it is because I want to nurture myself with reading. Reading is very important especially for someone like me. A language learner which is being expected to be a language teacher in future and a person who loves to write a lot. A beginner author maybe. And the novel I mentioned earlier is from Cecelia Ahern entitled The Year I Met You. Seems interesting for the first five chapters I've read. A good start to be a good reader I guess. 

So I have been thinking that to have reading interest is very important, essential to person like me. Why do I think this way although my so called favourite author is not a reading person? Because I don't have a creative and "think out if a box" brain. So I need to find ideas and be inspired by well known authors and good books with interesting story lines. Yes I really need it. 

I am a very beginner in reading. I am so not into books or novels. Comics too are not my interest anymore. I am working to make myself love reading. Or should I say, forcing myself to read. 

Another reason that I want to be a reader is how do I expect people to read from me if I din't read from others, from them? And also, I need to know readers' emotions and thoughts when they read. The only way to know is by putting myself in their place. To read. So that I'll know what kind of plot, stories or words used to attract them, to turn them off, to make them feel like finishing the story or to make them feel like " what the hell is this author bullshitting? ". Right. 

So I have to plant in myself the attitude of liking to read and be a reading enthusiast. To be a good writer and of course to enhance my English. 

Oh and one more thing. About reading. My lecturer had told me a story. She saw a person aged about 19 years old (which is same with my age), I can't remember whether it's a boy or a girl, at a railway station if I'm not mistaken, holding a Quran and a highlighter probably. Reading the Quran and highlighting the words in that Quran. My lecturer asked the teen " What are you doing? ". And the person answered, " Reading(or tadabbur) the Quran ". And I don't remember much the lecturer's words after that, I guess my lecturer asked why is the teen so interested in reading or maybe something related like that. And the teen's answer is very interesting abd has opened my eyes wide, " I read to reduce my laziness, whenever I read, I do something and I am not lazy and can use my time to the max on things that benefits me" 

TO REDUCE LAZINESS, guys. I have been searching for something to cure my laziness and now I guess I've found one of the solutions. So that is why, I want to nurture myself to be a reader. I have to be. 

That's all for now. See ya guys later! Peace yo! 

And here's my very first novel: