Assalamualaikum and hi.

Yeah. Sakit 2.0. In previous post, I have talked about the history of the pain I'm having, the back pain. Guess what? The pain is getting worse I guess. Now, I can feel that my lower back is burning. Like it was on fire but of course it is not. I have never experienced this before. I don't know if it's getting worse or actually getting better. But I think it's not a sign that I'm getting better. Well, obviously because the pain is still there.

I have about 2 months of my semester break. Yesterday, the serious killing pain has came back, paying a visit. Datang beraya perhaps. I am so grateful that I was at home yesterday but my aunts were here. Yeah it's no different if I am in pain or not, I still don't talk to them when they're around. Nothing to talk about anyway. I told my family about the burning. My sister looked worried. She insisted my brother to send me to the clinic after the raya stuff settle. I mean you know post-raya thingy, mengemas rumah, pergi beraya, org still datang beraya. We don't have much time to go to clinic yet. Then the thing of my back pain gone viral among my family. They suggest a  lot of people, the experts, traditional experts, doctors etc etc. We plan to go to them one by one. Everyone in the list. Seriously this pain is something else. Now that it has become chronic, everyone is worried and start to pay attention. If they listened to me when I was young, when the pain  was not this serious, they won't to be in trouble now looking for experts all over Kelantan. I feel quite useless now as people won't allow me to do any lifting jobs, the only thing I can do to kemas rumah. You know thing like rearranging the sofa, tables, the carpets. Even vacuuming could be harmful-I can't stand for a long period. But I can try to. Try to lose weight but any activity involving losing weight is not good for me. Gotta control my eating portion I guess. And gotta be strong too. I realize this is nothing compared to other kind of pain or illness faced by others but it's so disturbing and uncomfortable and I feel weak. I'm telling this to people just to let people know what I feel. Plus, it is the only thing I can talk about, I mean the only thing I have points to elaborate to people. I am such a boring person, you know.

Another pain I am feeling right now is the pain of losing people. Losing myself. I got no confidence in myself anymore. Not after I feel like I am left out and don't belong where I was standing. I am lost. Almost drowned in my own  tears. I seriously cried my heart out for a few days before the final exam. I know what is wrong but I don't know how to fix the situation. I tried to understand but I can't. I tried expressing myself but it doesn't work. Maybe, I was expecting too much until I cannot accept what is happening to myself. It is happening. Well, at least I've tried to fix it. Although I don't give it all, yet. But I can sense it is going to be worse, anyway. I give up. I am going to let things to just happen. I made an effort to be close again, made an effort to talk again, still, it does not change. One thing I  did not do is to talk directly but I am afraid. I'm afraid it's only gonna  make it worse. So, let me be in silent and move on. Alone. I can't expect anything anymore and I am not able to make any effort anymore. Let it happen. Let it be. I'm just gonna let it go. It will hurt for sure. But for the sake of ..... I'm just gonna stay quiet and act okay. It's gonna be hard, I know. But I will have to endure it no  matter what. No one wants me. I have to accept that. Bear that in mind. And don't expect anything from anyone. Keep hurting and move on. That's it. I'm tired and an idiot.








Assalamualaikum and hi.

Rindu. Where does it come from? Heart? Or mind? Or from soul? Personally, I think, it comes from the whole body. When  I miss someone, I feel it in every inches of my body, the thoughts of that person conquer my whole brain, my whole mind. My soul feels empty. Like I'm living in an isolated desert. When I miss someone, I start to feel lonely although I am surrounded by a bunch of people, who I love too. But without that one particular person, that bunch of people won't be able to chase the loneliness away. I just feel so empty. I may look fine. I may look okay. But deep inside, no one ever knows how tortured I am by the feelings. The feelings of in need of that someone to be close to me. It just so hard to explain rindu. Too deep and complicated.

It is normal to miss parents I mean who doesn't? I miss my Mama every seconds I am far apart from her. I am not that type of daughter who is always clingy to her mom, but for sure, I feel warm when I am close to her. And I feel motivated when I remember her in my hardest times. She has that aura. Every mother has it.

It is normal to miss old friends. The old memories. What hurts me the most is when I am trying to make a conversation with the old friends but they seems  to not care. "I miss you" they said. And I hate myself too in this situation. I just don't know how to start a conversation, and when I have started it, I  don't know how to keep it going. I thought they'll help to keep it going, I mean, they know that I am not that talkative so ask me some shits so I can talk some shits too. But no. They ended it. Just. Like. That. Not even a goodbye sometimes. *mukasedihmukasedih* Can't help it. My fault, my weakness. It is just me, the boring person. Who wanna talk to a hambar person like me? *slaps own gemuk berlemak cheeks*  And of course, they are busy too.

The type of rindu that always torture me the most and make way for my tears to roll out is when I miss someone who is so close to me yet so far away. The person is present but I don't know why somehow, I do miss that particular person. Miss how we used to be, perhaps. I mean, things have changed. I am getting more and more boring. And probably annoying too. I am not an active person. No one could expect anything great, bizarre or outstanding from me. Me being me. Boring. This could be the reason why I have experienced losing closest best friends three times already. All in school. Damn, teenage life is hard. Or it is actually, not that hard. It just me. Me being me. Boring and everyone just want to stay away. We can be close but that's it not as close as how we used to be. If it is not because I am a boring person, it could be because I don't know how to appreciate people. No. I appreciate each and every person in my life. I don't know how to show it. How much I care, how much I love, how much I just want them to stay forever in my life, how much I want to talk to them like on random topics all night long if possible, how much I want to take care of them. I just don't know how to show it. I don't know how to let them know. Me being me. Idiot. That is why people keep leaving me behind. Boring and idiot. Who would want to stay?

People around me have super power. Whenever I am down on my knees, at my worst moments, stressed over something, certain people just need to be around me. I just need to be close the person to feel better. I don't even have to say that I am sad or whatever and spend hours to express it all. When I am at my worst, I just need the person to be close to me. Just stay close, then I will be okay again. Sometimes, it takes days and sometimes it only takes the minutes we spend when we sit together and just eat and talk randomly. A walk helps too. I don't know how it happened and why but it just works that way. To chase my negative thoughts and sorrow, I just need the person to be close to me. Just be close to me. That is enough.

And once the person has left, the best I can do is cry over my own weaknesses and start feeling the "rindu". How I wish we got something invented to measure how much we need certain people in our life because we just love them so much and don't want a day passes by without hearing that people's names, voices and feel the warmth in their presence. I think none would have left me behind. Well, at least they know that I need them. They'll stay, perhaps. Perhaps.

However, in the end of the day, no matter how much the person knows I love and care, I am always people's second thought or sometimes last thing that ever crossed to their minds. No matter in what situations. I am never a priority. Well, not the first. I tried my best to love people and put them first, and I am happy doing that. I may stumble sometimes and forget but my love won't fade. Trust me. Once I love someone and I said it, I really mean it. Actions speak louder than words. Don't apply this on me. My words are everything. I don't know how to express myself through speech or actions. But I really do mean what I write or type.

Well well well. Lose or get, forgotten or remembered, first or last, when I do something out of love, i don't count the cost or hoping for a reward or to be treated the same way. Everyone should be. Because we just love. But I still need to know if I am important to someone.

Rindu comes when you start loving.

P/s: Person/people I meant are all girls. No homo. And please do not think I've fallen in love or what, I just has started to miss people.
Hi, all! This short story is a tribute for Mother's Day. So, enjoy. =)



“I HATE YOU, MOM!”

Those four words I’d uttered to my mom. It was the first time. For the first time, I really cry my heart out and expressed myself out loud. It has been a long time since I hold the feelings and finally, it came out. I did not feel bad. But I did cry. Not because I said such things to my Mom but because I was frustrated and disappointed with her. I was so angry. For me to utter those four words with an exclamation mark at the end, it took me few scenes in life.
***
I do have a home-I mean, so called home. A very small hut somewhere in an isolated village. Since I was born, I only live with my mom. I don’t even know who my dad is. I only know his name and that is only because it is a part of my name. Suci binti Abdullah. That’s me. A very simple name, Suci. And Abdullah? That’s my dad’s name. I guess. Every time I ask about my dad, my mom will avoid the question and change the topic. Reluctant to answer. She is probably too sad to talk about it but I have rights to know about my dad. If he’s dead, I should know where he’s buried. There. I just told you the first reason to why I hate my mom, the first reason of those four words I said. She acts like my dad is real bad person. Well, he probably is but at least she should tell me something. It’s as if she’s avoiding the truth, the real life she faced. 16 years of living and I still don’t know who the hell is my dad. That one night, I asked my mom the same question I’ve been asking her but that time, it differs a bit,
“Mom, if you tell me only one detail about dad I promise I won’t utter the word dad anymore. Please, tell me. Who’s my dad? Where is he now? What he does for a living? Is he dead?”
My mom took a look into my eyes deeply. It’s as if she was stabbing me in the eyes with her stare. Trying to penetrate my mind but I didn’t allow her.
“Suci, we’ve talked about this. Never ask about your dad again. Never.”
“But I deserve to know at least more than his name. Mom, please. I got jealous everyday when I see my friends and their dads at school. I want to kiss my dad’s hand too before I enter the hell masked in school building every morning.”
“Suci! That’s not a nice thing to say. It’s the place where it gives you knowledge. Now go and complete your homework or do revision or something.”
“But, Mom…”
“STOP IT, SUCI! Now go to your room!”
“Why are you so mad when all I did was asking about my dad?”
“SHUT UP, SUCI!!”
She stood up and went to her room which is only next to my room. She slammed the door. I was still puzzled about dad. I went into my room and lay on bed, still trying to figure out who is dad. I heard someone’s crying. It’s Mom for sure. I wondered why. I am the one who should be sobbing. I mean, she shouted at me for no reason. Ugh! I just went to sleep that night. Mom’s sobs became my lullaby.
That’s the first scene. Next scene, the most annoying one.
***
“Mom, I wanna hang out with friends. I need money.”
“With who? What ‘ll you do? Where are you going?”
“That doesn’t matter. Now give me some money.”
“No.”
“Say what?”
“I said no. Stay at home. Revise your studies or something…”
“Give me a break! Mom, I wanna spend some time with my friends. You can’t simply say no!”
“I said no and that’s it!”
“WHAT THE FFFF….”
“Mind your language!”
And that’s how it always ended. I never win. I have to stay at home and bored to death. That was not the first and the last time. I argued with her quite a lot on that matter. I tried to sneak out sometimes but always failed. Damn it. I always want to see the other side of the world that I’ve never seen before. All I’ve seen are trees and old houses. And oh, that damn school.
“The other side of the world that you wish to see is not as good, as beautiful as you thought”
That’s what she told me. She said it could bring me harm. I puffed on that statement like, what kind of harm?
Moving on to the next scene that I wish never happen in my life.
***
16 years of living and finally, I had the chance to feel some love from a guy- a boyfriend. Since I was seeking for a father’s love which seems to be impossible to be found, I seek for a guy who can shower me with his love and I found one. Aidil, that’s his name. Since I know Aidil, I’m not jealous with my other friends who kiss their dad’s hand before entering school as I  can hold to my boyfriend’s hand when I entered the school gate. I kept this from Mom. I  don’t want to let her know until one day when Aidil offered me a ride.
“Hop on. I’ll send you home. Safely.”
He winked and I melted and without any thought I said yes. I hold on to his waist so that I won’t fall over. I already felt safe at that moment.
And so I had a ride from school to my house with my best boy. The moment we reached home, Mom was at the front door. Her eyebrows were about to meet at the middle of her forehead and her eyes were targeting on my hands which were still on Aidil’s waist. I thanked Aidil before I walked to Mom. She gave Aidil a death look, as if she was going to cut Aidil into pieces and eat him.
“Who’s that?” she asked with an angry tone.
“Aidil.”
“Who’s Aidil?”
“My boyfriend. Look, Mom. You always blocked my way in everything so please not this one. I’m matured enough to have a boy in my life and I know he’s the best…”
“The best?!! You’re only 16! And he let you touched him!”
“Mom…”
Her face gone red. I’ve never seen her that mad before. Without further thoughts, she dragged my hand harshly. I thought my arm was about to separate from my body. She threw me on the floor in my room. I was speechless. And hurt. Scared, too. She got out and I thought everything has ended but no. she came back in with a cane in her hand. I never know we have that in our house and this is not the first time I see a cane. I received a lot in school and I am pretty sure of the purpose of the cane’s invention. She looked as if she’s reluctant to do it but she did it anyway. She caned me so hard but she did not say a word. She was crying. I was crying too, for help. I complained that it’s hurt and obviously I was bleeding. She keep on caning me, with anger and hatred, I thought. I lost count, more than 20 times I guess. I thought I could flood the whole village with my tears. She ignored my complaints, my “ouch”, my tears, and I asked her a few times to stop it. I shouted on top of my lungs “MOM STOP IT YOU’RE HURTING ME!” and she finally stopped. But I still suffer of the pain. Blood. I saw blood on my skin. Again, I shouted the four words,

“I HATE YOU, MOM!”

She left the room, crying hard. Why the hell she cried so hard? I’m the one bleeding. I was hurt and tired till I fall asleep for the whole evening.
When I woke up, the blood has gone. Mom? Feeling guilty, huh? I stepped out of my room and headed towards kitchen. I was hungry and thirsty. As I shuffled to the kitchen, I heard Mom was talking to someone. I took a peek behind a wall. It was grandma. She lives in another district but she paid us a visit sometimes. We never went to her house. I never liked her either. She’s just like Mom. I eavesdropped their conversation and I heard Mom said between her sobs. God just why on earth she always cry?
“It hurts me to hurt her that way but it’s the only thing I could think of that moment to punish and teach her a lesson. I was so mad she touched the God knows who the hell that boy is. For sure, he’s no good for her. And I was scared too. What if she ended up like me?”
Like her? Like what? Old and miserable? Pffft.
“She’ll get the message, I’m sure. But just don’t be that harsh. She bleeds. Does she know about…umm.. your past?”
“No she doesn’t know. I won’t let her. I never know how to be a good mother. It’s not easy to raise her up alone. It’s okay if I’m not the best person for her but all I want in this world is her happiness, for her to be a good person with a bright future. I just want to protect her, guard her from any harm in the world. She’s my life. I live for her. She’s the best thing I could ever have although I wasn’t ready when I carried her in my womb.”
Wow. I’m a troubled child yet she still loves me that much? Seriously, Mom?
“She always ask about her dad. What can  I answer, Ma? What can I answer when she asked what’s her father’s job? I can’t answer RAPIST!”
Rapist? What? Did I misheard? Damn, she’s crying super hard now.
“I don’t wanna lie to her. I can’t tell her I got her because I was raped. I can’t tell her I just can’t admit to her that I was about to abort her when I knew I was pregnant of her. I can’t tell her I was about to throw her away the day she was born. All I know now is I did the right thing. I see my soul in her. I see my spirit when I see her. I gain my strength back when I look at her face. She does remind me of the tragedy but all I can see in her is purity and innocence. She gives me strength to forget about the painful incident. Everytime I look at her I could have be reminded of how hurt I was beaten up and my shirt got torn and left alone naked in an abandoned place, but no. Instead, she gives me my life back. She makes me stronger and I don’t know how it works. She’s a daughter of mine and I love her.”
Tears started to roll down my cheeks like Niagara Falls when I heard that. I fell on my knees. Surprised. I can’t accept that. That can’t be true. That moment, I started to think of how idiot and ungrateful I am, as a daughter who’s taken care very well by a rape victim. For my sake, she keeps me and loves me. If it was me, I won’t even take a glance at the baby but she didn’t. She’s been living with the baby that she got from a rapist for 16 years.  I wonder how much pain she’s been through. No wonder we live in an isolated area, she was humiliated back then when she got me. She has to move out and far away from where she came from. Even grandma couldn’t help her at that time. She is one strong lady. She struggled alone to give me a good life. She carried me nine months in her womb, she battled between life and death when she delivered me, she probably has spent thousands of ringgits just to supply me with good food, clothes and a comfortable shelter yet not even once I thanked her and she still loves me. I said that I hate her but still she loves me more than I could ever imagine. She never complains, not even once. What a great person Allah has gifted me.
I wiped my tears and came out from behind the wall. Mom’s face was concerned and worried as she saw my sad face. I walked slowly towards her.
“Why are you sad? Does it still hurt? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you. Come, sit. I’m sure you’re hungry.”
Even when I said I hate her with all my heart, even I caused her so much pain and trouble, she still treats me like this? Is she even a human? She’s an angel. I stood still and speechless.
“What’s wrong, dear?”
And she still calls me dear. I couldn’t hold it anymore. Here comes the tears again. I looked her in the eyes and I can see all sacrifices that she did for me and all the hardships she went through in raising me up until now. I see strength.
“I love you, Mom.”
I hugged her tightly that even me couldn’t breathe. I said sorry few times for what I have done and apologise for being ungrateful and suffocated her with those dad questions.
“Did you hear…?
“Yes, Mom. Everything. I’m sorry I don’t know.”
“It’s okay, my love. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong.
“I was so arrogant to you, I mistreat you, I was so ungrateful. I’m an idiot, a fool. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You’re still young.”
“I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Mom.”
“Okay, okay. If you are really that sorry then do me a favour.”
I unwrapped my arms around her. She wiped away the tears on my cheeks and stared into my eyes with love. I asked her what favour should I do. She curved a smile.
“Repeat those four words again.”
“I love you, Mom.”
She smiled with tears in her eyes.
“Those simple four words can remove my thousands of pain from my entire life.”

-THE END-



Notakaki: What I want to emphasize in this short story is to appreciate your mom no matter how harsh or how strict your mom is. You must realise that she did all that, all the "No"s she gives to us is for our own good. She might not understand us, how much we want enjoy our youth time, but one thing for sure, she knows what is the best for us and all she wants is to protect us from any bad, harm, danger that could ever happened to us. Appreciate your mom, be thankful to Allah as He gives us the best gift in the whole world that nothing can replace, A MOTHER.

Mom is love, Mom is life, Mom is home. 
Assalamualaikum and good _______ (fill this in based on what time you're reading this)

So, today is quite a busy day, I guess. I went to the clinic with my sisters of course, to check about my back pain. This pain I got from many years ago when I was 9 or 10. I fell down on cement floor right on my lower back. As far as I remember, I was running in the class. Silly me. Just why on earth on that day I chose to run? I was a very passive kid. Well, I am a very passive person. A passive person got pain because she was running and fell down? Hah. Does not make sense at all. I don't run. I barely walking when I am walking. But yeah. Things happened. Shitty things happened.

After the incident (wow this sounds serious), my family was quite panic. No, wait. I don't remember the part they went panic. Well, let's just assume they did got panic. So, the adults (my parents and grown up sisters) brought me to a masseur. A male. A pak cik lah. He massaged me. that's all I can recall. I remember me  trying to hold myself from screaming because it hurt as ffffffff. I thought it would be very rude to scream over that pain. Scream does not heal, anyway.

"Sakit oyak deh? Jange senyap."

That was what the pakcik told me. I did not tell him it was so very uncomfortable and it hurt so much when he started do the massage. Why? Told ya. I am very passive that I did not even dare to talk. Not to strangers.

And the pain continues to haunt me until now. I've gone to meet a lot of pakciks and makciks to massage my back, taken some traditional pills, change my sleeping position, try to be athletic etc etc but it was alllll in vain. Nothing changed. I give up. That's it. Probably there's no cure to this. Just endure it. I told to myself.

Well, just so you know that I live in a village area where we are more encouraged to treat any body ache traditionally. Everything did not work on my back pain and no one seems to be caring enough to bring me to doctor or something. And seems everyone did not pay much attention to my back pain except me, I keep all the pain and ache and suffer ( no, not really suffering but yeah the ache is severe) to myself.

Whenever I feel I cannot hold the pain, I complained to my Mama, the only person that will take actions when I complained on something bad (such as the pain). And yeah the same thing, same process happened again. Massage, feel better for days, the ache come visits me again and it's like "Hi, remember me? I'm here again." We were just like best friends. Childhood friend. Hah! Not funny la.

So, I continue on living my life, with the ache always on my back. You know like "Hey, I always get your back". Haha. (I know it's not funny I'm just appreciating my own puns.). I enrolled for matriculation and since I stayed faaaar away from my family and there is no one that could take care of me as how my Mama always does, I know I need something for this back pain. And tadaaaa my sister comes to action. She introduced me to Salonpas, you know the patch for muscle or joint pain. It...is.... quite.... helpful... no seriously it is. Yeah. A little bit. I've been surviving with those patches on my back when I feel like dying.

All in all, nothing really help for this backpain. There is one last thing I have not done yet. And I did it today. Get a professional advice, or consult a doctor. Yeayy finally someone who care about me and they showed it. Sisters, guys. We went to the clinic and doctor was also surprised to know I've been having this back pain for many years and she was  as she asked "why all of a sudden after so many years only today you come and see me?" Without a smile. And in a you know, unpleasant tone. So I told her the pain is like getting more serious and I don't want to die young. (this is monologue). No I did not tell her anything. I did not even respond. My sister answered all the questions. Being passive, again.

X ray result told us that the actual problem was not the nerves (which we all assumed it was nerves problems) nor did my back bone crack or something. It is fine except the shape. Normal back bone supposed to have curve but mine, it is straight. So tegak like 180 degree. That causes the pain. The fucking ache. Nothing could help. The doctor did not even prescribed me with any medicines. She only told me I have to undergo physical therapy, to get the curve shape for my back bone.

And so, that's it. Now, I only have to endure the ache until my spine get its original shape. It won't take long, hopefully. Not that I am worried about the pain, but the cost and time and people I have to trouble. The cost is I'm not so sure. It is not stated anywhere on the KKM web. Sigh. And gov based clinics are only opened on weekdays, the days I got classes. And my sister who is staying in Shah Alam is the only person I can rely on if, just in case, I may not be able to go to the clinic by my own. I got friends and I may seek for their help but thinking of all the assignments and tasks they (and me too) have to complete and submit, plus, it's another half of the semester already (finals approaching), I am no important. It's better (actually best) for them to spend their time thinking, trying to complete the assignments and study or revise anything than helping me ( the one useless friend ). Well, I really don't want to trouble anyone except myself. but yeah being a loser living on earth, I just happened to need help.

So, for now, physiotherapy is the only answer. Allah, please ease everything for me.
29.2.2016

Tarikh empat tahun sekali ni la dapat spend quality time with awesome people. Hari ni jugak lah dapat merasa Starbucks untuk pertama kalinya. Sedap. Agaklah. Tapi Nescafe jugak yang thorbaik. And of course lagi murah dan senang dapat. Lulz. 


So kisah dia, we ( the people in the picture) went to Rawang today. The thing is to look for shoes but of course hello dah keluar takkan nak beli kasut je. Damn we did kind of lot of things. Eat(wajib!), shoes, Starbucks, karaoke, movie, and eat again. It's a good wrap for February. Walaupun aku lupa ada meeting but that's not a big matter. Rasa bersalah ya tapi bila difikirkan balik, jalan-jalan ni yang akan buat aku senyum esok lusa mungkin juga beberapa tahun akan datang (kalau aku takde penyakit nyanyuk)

Filem Munafik tu best gila kalau tengok tak menyesal. Banyak moral yang mengingatkan pasal keredhaan, yakin dengan Allah and jangan takut dgn SYAITON! Diorang mampu hasut and kita mampu lawan. Allah dah buat adil untuk kita. Bergantung pada diri la nak lawan atau nak ikut. The most significant moral I got is NEVER QUESTION WHAT ALLAH HAS DECIDE AS HE KNOWS BEST. Selama ni aku asyik nak mempersoalkan kenapa manusia mesti mati, kenapa syurga neraka perlu ada and all those nonsense questions yg dah macam orang tak belajar agama. Filem tu ada sedikit sebanyak menjawab persoalan aku. And selebihnya yg aku rasa tak puas hati lagi? AL-QURAN. The main reference. Jawapan ada dlm tu aku yg malas nak tadabbur. Tadarus hari-hari tapi makna, tafsir tak nak baca. Pastu mula lah persoalkan macam-macam. Jahilnya aku. 

Betul la petunjuk Allah tu boleh datang dengan macam-macam cara. Even through a movie. Thank you God. You answered me. You always do. 

Ok itu pasal movie. Dah. 

Next, main point aku nak cerita, aku seronok hari ni. Penat memang lah penat. Tapi seronok. Hidup hampir complete. Keluar dgn kawan-kawan gila tak seronok. 

There is no time wasted if you really enjoy that moment. Time not spent together is time wasted. Cherish every moment. ❤️

Rasa tak sedap hati, the feel I get everytime anything bad is going to happen-spoil mood aku. 

Mungkin setan semua ni. 

Tak kesah la yang penting, seronok. 





Still on the bed I am
Blanket covering I  feel so warm
I rest my head on my arm
My eyes are closing firm
My lips curving a smile
Like I got no problem
I see me in a big house
I  see me in a limo
I see me holding cash
Lot of cash
But I don’t see me
Working hard
I don’t see me
Sweating hard
I  don’t see me
In any hard
Because my life is just a dream
Reality it won’t become

Because in the bed I still am


 


“Are you okay now?”, Ji asked worriedly.
“I’m okay. Sorry I troubled you much and thank yo…” Yuni’s words stopped by Ji.
“Sshhh! What matters now is that you’re okay. God knows how much worried I was”

Yuni’s face was still pale. But her health seems to be improved than before. She’s always sick. She’s a little weak compared to Ji. This time, she fainted because she was lack of water and did not have enough  rest. Whenever she’s sick, Ji will always be by her side. Taking care of her, give her medicine on time, make sure she had enough sleep  and eat well. They were studying in a same university and started their friendship as roommate. Since then, they’re best friend.

                Ji had just finished her class and returned to her room. Yuni was sleeping soundly without turning off her laptop and her hand was holding a pen, probably jotting something from her online reading. Ji took a look at the screen to know what was Yuni up to. She was reading Yazmin’s blog. Their senior who’s so famous with fashion. Her Instagram almost reached 10 000 followers. Yuni’s passion is about fashion and Yazmin is her idol in fashion. Yuni has always wanted to approach Yazmin and talk about fashion but it seems to be impossible as Yazmin was surrounded by famous people too.
“She must be tired”
Ji uttered to herself before she removed the pen from Yuni’s grip slowly.  She made herself comfortable and sat beside Yuni on her bed. Ji stroked Yuni’s hair, revealing Yuni’s sweet face.
“Oh! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up”
Ji said when Yuni seemed to be disturbed by her treat.
“No, it’s okay. I’ve been waiting for you anyway. Let’s grab a bite, shall we? I’m hungry”
Yuni spoke with her eyes still half opened.
“Okay” Ji pasted a smile.
                Neither of them will eat without each other’s presence. They always sneaked in their busy schedule to at least had meal together. Their friendship was like family bond. Some of their other friends thought it’s impossible to even make them quarrel over little things. They’re as close as sisters. Even sisters might be jealous of how close they were.
                It’s midnight already. Their routine is to study and finish their assignments. Ji was in deep of her thoughts staring at the book when she heard sobs. It was Yuni.
“Oh, dear! What’s wrong?”
Ji approached Yuni seemed to be worried of what had caused her best friend to cry at this hour.
“Help me, Ji! I don’t think I can do it anymore. There’s so much thing I have to insert in my brain and I am not capable of doing it anymore. Help me”
Yuni said between her sobs.
“Relax, Yuni. Calm down. Of course you can do it. You always do well in exam. I believe you can do it this time like you always do.”
Ji hugged Yuni with a feeling of concern and worried.
“Now, why don’t you go to sleep? Maybe you’re just stressed”
Ji said while wiping Yuni’s tears from her cheeks.
“Okay. But can you sleep with me tonight? I need a company until I fall asleep. Please?”
Yuni pleaded asking for some Ji’s love.
“Okay.”
Ji switched  off the light and moved towards Yuni’s bed. As soon as Ji got onto her bed, Yuni hugged Ji very tightly. Ji hugged her back. Yuni could feel the warmth and care in Ji’s hug that made her sleep instantly with comfort. More than a best friend, Ji can also be a motivator to Yuni. Whenever Yuni was in deep sadness or feeling down, Ji will always be by her side, motivating, uttering words to comfort Yuni. How can they not love each other like sisters if whenever one is in sorrow the other one always there to cheer up.

***
“Excuse me? You’re Yuni Ahmad, right?”
It was Yazmin. Yuni’s idol. Yuni was surprised that she could not say a thing. Ji who was also there, stared at both of them blankly. Ji tapped Yuni’s hand to make her speak out.
“Ye… y…yes. I… I am Yasmin.. sorry I mean I am Yuni Ahmad.”
Yuni stammered as she was nervous and shocked at the same time for her idol to greet her first.
“Oh,great! I’ve been looking for you. I read your blog and you have a pretty good taste in fashion. I really love it. And thanks for all the  compliments by the way”
Yazmin chuckled a little.
“Oh… we..well you helped me. I mean I read your blog too and I got inspired from there, thanks to you.”
Yuni smiled.
“Can we be friends? Here’s my number. WhatsApp me. Maybe we can hang out sometimes and talk about fashion?”
“Sure”
Yuni replied briefly. Yazmin left after saying goodbye to both of them.
Yuni’s still surprised. She slapped herself many times to confirm that she’s not dreaming. Yuni was extremely happy and Ji was happy for her too. Finally she can talk to someone who has same passion as her and that person is her idol!
***
“Come, Yuni. Let’s have breakfast”
“You go on first. I’ve promised Yazmin to meet her this morning”
“Oh, then I’ll follow you”
“No,no, no. I mean we’re going to talk a lot about fashion. I’m afraid you might get bored. And  there’ll only fashion people there.”
“Okay then. Just don’t forget to take your breakfast later.”
                Ji walked to the café alone. She really felt awkward. Eating alone. As if the world has no other living creature except her. Ji went back to her room. Yuni still was not there. Ji thought they really had a great time talking about fashion thingy.
                Out of the blue, Ji’s head ached. She always attacked by headache for months now. Her illness has no cure. All she could do is swallow painkiller when her head aches. But this time, the ache was so strong. She felt that she’ll pass out by any time. She cried for help but her voice wasn’t loud enough. She stumbled to the door to ask for help but before she could speak out, her world went all dark.
                Ji tried to open her eyes slowly. She saw Suri. Another friend of her from the same course.
“What happened? Where am I?”
Ji asked with a low tone voice, sounded very weak.
“You’re in hospital now. You’re unconscious  for the whole day. I found you lying in front of your room. Luckily I passed by and saw you or else I don’t know what might happen to you. I tried to call Yuni but she seems to be very busy that she ignored my calls. Has anything happened between you two? And one more thing, do you know that you have…”
Suri talked like bullet. Before she could finish, Ji stopped her.
“Yes, I knew. And Yuni’s probably really busy. Nothing happened. Now, shall we go back to hostel?”
                Once they arrived at the hostel, Suri offered to accompany Ji to her room but Ji rejected her offer. She thought that she must have caused a lot of trouble to Suri for the whole day. The door was unlocked but Yuni wasn’t there. A little while after Ji rested her head on the pillow, Yuni came in. She seemed like rushing and packed some things into her bag. Ji wondered.
“Where are you going, darl?”
“Oh uhm. To Yazmin’s. We’re up to a big project now. Yazmin asked me to be her assistant for annual fashion show. So, tonight I’m sleeping with her. Take care, good night!”
Yuni explained to Ji without even looking at Ji’s pale and sick face. Ji only watched her stepped out of the room without asking how’s Ji doing today after not facing each other for this whole day. Ji a little frustrated with Yuni’s act but she kept a positive thinking.
“She must have done a good job. She seems happier too. Well, if you’re happy then I’m happy too,Yuni.”
Ji uttered to herself. She went to sleep with the ache. Alone.
                A week passed after Ji fainted and she’s still sick. She ate more medicine than food. She had not gone for classes for three days until weekend. Meanwhile, Yuni’s busy with fashion show and spent a lot of time with Yazmin. The show is a week ahead. They’re busy looking for models, trendy styles, music, clothes and advertising their show to the whole college. Yuni felt guilty for Ji as she’s not at her side to take care of Ji when she’s so sick. But Yuni had promised to take care of her after everything is done. For now, Yuni’s priority is the fashion show. It’s her dream to organize a fashion show and she’s doing it with fashion idol.
                That night Ji’s head was aching again and she felt like the world is spinning. Luckily Suri was there to help her to take her medicine. Suri was always kind to everyone and now it’s Ji’s turn to enjoy Suri’s kindness. Ji don’t know how many times she thanked Suri for troubling herself looking after Ji.
“Don’t mention it, Ji. What are friends for? But I wonder what’s Yuni up to now.  Everyone noticed that you and her had been far apart since she knew Yaz…”
Again, Suri’s words was stopped by Ji
“Sshhh. She knows what she’s doing now. She’s making her dream to come true. Organizing a fashion show and that, with her idol. This is one in a lifetime chance. If you were given a chance like that, will you just let it pass by just because your friend is sick?”
“Yes! Yes I will just let it go. Because a friend of mine who cares for me more like a sister and always be at my back is sick and need someone to look after her. A best friend should be a priority no matter what!”
 Suri toned a little angry. Ji took a long and deep sigh.
“I miss  her. I meet her everyday but I really miss her a lot.”
Ji sounded  choking. Suri comforted her by rubbing her back. Suri has to leave to her room, leaving Ji alone. Ji really missed Yuni so much. She reached her phone to make a call or send a message to Yuni but she cancelled it. She’s afraid it might distract Yuni. Instead of texting to Yuni, she reached a pen and a piece of small paper. She wrote the thing that she wanted to tell Yuni at that time. Later, she went to her bed and asleep with the ache from her illness and the pain from the feeling of missing her very best friend.
***
“Min, I’m afraid I can’t help you today. I want to be with Ji today. She has been sick. I feel wrong for not be by her side now. I guess I’ll just stop my work here. I’ll come back when the show is on. May I?”
Yuni arranged her words carefully to not hurt Yazmin.
“Sure. It’s okay. You really helped me and the team a lot. Don’t forget to come for the show later. And say hi to Ji. I hope she’ll get well soon.”
Yazmin curved a smile and that made Yuni felt glad. Her idol is happy with the outcome of her works and now she can always be with her best friend that she really miss.
                Yuni rushed to her room. It was already lunch time so she stopped at the café to grab lunch for her and Ji. It has been fortnight since they eat together. Yuni started to realize that she should not treat Ji this way. She could have leave the project earlier and focus on taking care of Ji like what Ji always did to her.
                When she arrived at her room, Ji was still laying in her bed. Sleeping, she thought. Yuni felt hurt the moment she saw Ji’s pale face. It was pretty obvious that Ji is suffering. Her eyes become teary.
“How could I ignore you in this condition? My priority should be you, my dearest. I’m very sorry.”
Yuni whispered to herself while stroking Ji’s soft hair. With a soft voice, Yuni woke Ji up.
“Ji, wake up. Let’s eat. Come on now wake up.”
Ji did not respond. This time Yuni shook Ji’s body a little and hold her arm.
“Ji,wake up. I brought us lunch. Ji, why are you so cold?! Ji, wake up now!”
Yuni could feel something is wrong. She keep waking Ji up but Ji’s body was frozen and did not respond. With trembling hand, Yuni checked Ji’s pulse. No beat. Then she put her fingers beneath Ji’s nose. No air out. Ji wasn’t breathing.
“JI!! WAKE UP!! I’M HERE JI!! PLEASE WAKE UP!!”
Yuni shouted at top of her lungs and sobbing. Her voice can be heard along the hallway. At that moment, Suri came in and tears already in her eyes. Suri approached Yuni slowly and spoke with a low tone
“She has been suffering cancer all this time. She wished to spend her last moment with you but… She didn’t want to tell you until you’re not busy. It seems like her time’s over now”
Yuni cried even harder. She grabbed Ji’s hand and found a note together with a necklace. It was their couple necklace with letter JY which stand for JiYun, the combination of their names. Yuni took a look at the note. She knew that hand writing very well. It was Ji’s. The note contained,
“How much I love myself, it still cannot beat the love from me towards you, my best friend, my sister, my half. I miss you a lot, Yuni. How I wish you’re here with me so I can stare at your face and tell you how much I missed and love you… before I breathe my last breath”
                Yuni could not utter a word. Tears flowed from her eyes non-stop. She couldn’t hold her feelings and so she shouted again
“JI! I’M VERY SORRY! I LOVE YOU TOO,JI! I MISS YOU A LOT TOO. I’M SORRY I’M VERY SORRY. PLEASE WAKE UP!! GOD PLEASE RETURN HER TO ME!! JIIIIIIIIII!!! WAKE UP AND HUG ME NOW!! I MISS YOU! I’M SORRY VERY SORRY! JIIIIIIII!!”
                                Yuni shouted and sobbed harder. But no matter how much tears she spent, even if the tears will flood the whole world, her Ji, her best friend will never return. She cried, in regret, and her best friend, the best friend she could ever had, is gone. Forever.